Science, though sometimes a liar, has known for quite some time now that the first human was a woman. They did not know her name, however; but thanks to a recent discovery, that mystery has since been uncovered, as well as a wealth of other pertinent information which may very well upset the Biblical Adam and Eve apple cart (see what we done there?).
Her name was actually Brunhilda, and she was beautiful beyond words, the crowning climax of God’s creation. She was doing fine, just thank you, until God decided that she needed a helper (you can stop laughing now, ladies). She balked at first when God mentioned the possibility of creating a man, but he insisted, assuring her that there would be a perk or two thrown in. What choice did she really have, anyway?
“Do you want me to pick one for you from the Cro-Magnon lot, or create a new one for you?” he asked Brunhilda.
“Wow, tough choice. Seeings how the CM’s don’t know how to talk, I think I’ll go with a new guy,” she reasoned out loud.
So while she was sleeping, God removed a strip of flesh from her ass (this is where the saying started, by the way - that men are known as “pains in the ass” ), and when she awoke a man was sitting there staring at her.
“Hey, my name is Fred,” he said, eyes riveted to her body.
“Brunhilda,” she replied, extending her hand.
Fred bypassed the hand, and unaware of what the rules were, or that there were any, jumped on top of Brunhilda and instantly eradicated the virgin population of earth. Brunhilda actually enjoyed the first thirty seconds or so, which was all there was, but became agitated when Fred rolled over so quickly and began rummaging through his man purse looking for a cigarette.
Brunhilda excused herself, skirted around a few bushes, and found God loitering about. “What was that all about?” she asked.
“Did you like it?” God asked. “It’s my special invention for procreating.”
“No! It was very frustrating. In, out, see ya. Is that the way it’s gonna be?”
“I’m afraid so, Brunhilda. Man is a bit lacking. I did not want to make him as advanced as woman.”
Brunhilda left God’s presence and devised a plan. First she started a group called the #MeOnly movement and petitioned herself to sign it. Then she authored an anonymous blog called “Can You Give Me A Minute, Please!” She also set up a sex-ed class, which she taught, and launched a cooking and cleaning symposium, which she led, all just for Fred, of course. But Fred refused to clean the toilet, kept breaking the fine china when trying to wash, and couldn't make it past forty-two seconds.
So Brunhilda developed Plan B. She sent Fred to the grocery store with a list of items to purchase. “Do not come home until you get everything on the list. You got it?”
“I think so.”
“You see the signature there? That’s God’s, not mine. Can you read to me what it says?”
“Sure. ‘If you come home without everything on the list, you will not pass Go, you will not have anymore sex, you will go straight to Hell! Signed…God.’”
Fred looked up with bulging eyes. He took off.
Brunhilda smiled. She had included toilet paper on the list, of which she knew there was not any.
“Brunhilda! Brunhilda, where are you?” God called out the next morning. “I haven’t seen Fred this morning. Also, I can’t seem to find my Kingdom Pen. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, now would you, dear?”
“Um…maybe.”
They sat down by the creek and had a little chat, and after Brunhilda had explained it all very thoroughly to God, God sighed.
“Okay, okay, I made a mistake. I should have known that no man would ever be good enough for woman. I made you too perfect, I guess.”
Brunhilda smiled. “I do think I could enjoy a man if you could teach him how to cook and clean and last longer.”
God smiled back. “There are just some things even I cannot do, my dear…”